Three Generations Read!

Three Generations Read!

Originally uploaded by beeing.myself

Once again this book has captured my attention. My daughter and I were looking for a chapter book for her to read. She has to read for thirty minutes every night. She chose this one even though I told her it might be too hard for her. We have been taking turns reading it chapter by chapter. I wonder what her teacher is thinking when she sees in her chart that she is reading this! LOL My mom gave it to me just a few short months before she died.  Love you Mom.

Wacky Vivid Dream

Last night I had a vivid dream about my trip out west. I had an agenda handed to me with a list of all the different places I was going to. I was excited and raring to go. The odd thing is I was in communication with my mom and she kept saying she’d see me in Seattle (she was there right before she died). Seattle was last on my list. Each location I was at, I’d call her and she’d always say the same thing. But when I got to Seattle, she wasn’t there. She’d moved on. The dream became a twisted nightmare/comedy (if such thing was possible) because it was just so ludicrous. There were these “thugs” preventing me from finding my mother. No matter how hard I tried or how close I got, I’d get swept up into this conspiracy theory that would push me further away from finding her. I woke up thinking “dang where the hell did that dream come from?” and just had to laugh.

They say dreams often times are our subconscious speaking to us. But I don’t think that was mine. I know my mother is gone. It is a reality that I’ve accepted. That being said…WHAT DO YOU DREAM ABOUT?

Hump Day Sicky Poo

I could really really use some M & Ms right now! That and the ability to crawl back into my bed. I’m fighting off some kind of infection and I feel really oogy. My neck is stiff and hurts, I’m swollen right under my jaw (lymph nodes) and woke up with a headache and burning eyes. I cannot get sick now!!! Too much to do and not enough time to do it.

The kids are well estabilished in school now. Both love their classes and teachers. I’m actually glad they are back in school, but misty as well because it is just more proof that time does not stand still. Ellie is so precious she said “Finally I can learn again!” I told her she learns all the time, but just doesn’t realize it. I’ve noticed that Eddie is really getting the teenager mentality though. I’m too young to have a teenager (let alone one that will be getting his driver’s permit in December).

It is times like these that I really miss my mom the most. I can’t stop thinking about her lately. I just keep thinking about all the things she is missing, but then I remind myself that she isn’t missing a thing. She probably knows more about what is going on than I do! I’m the one that is missing her.

I’m slipping into a depression phase of my bipolar. Combination of the stress at work, the infection I’m fighting, the kids back in school, and my mom constantly being in my thoughts. I have two weeks until I meet my new psychiatrist and work on a better plan of attack for my ups and downs. The Lithium was a definate NO. The Depakote works great, but I think I need a little something extra. I’m glad to have finally found a female doctor.

Angel Day

You can’t really see the photo in the frame, but it is my mom. Today is one of my angel days. It has been 1 year and 8 months since her passing. That would explain the funk I feel today.

Communing With An Angel

I did log off, exercise, and then sat down to meditate. I had every intention of going to bed after that, but something strange happened and I logged back on to blog it before the memory of it fades. I was listening to “Angel’s Kiss” CD, which is a wonderful instrumental. I was fading in and out thinking of the things that have happened in the past couple of days. Then I started thinking about my mom and wishing she was here. Then I was wishing I could hold her hand. My left hand started tingling. Then I was thinking of feeling her stroke my cheek and my right cheek starting tingling. I starting talking to her and answers were forming in my mind. I don’t know if they were really from her or just something my mind created. I asked her what it was like where she was and she answered “peaceful, tranquil, full of life and love”. I told her I missed her and she said “I know baby, I miss you too, but I’m not really gone. I’m just on a different plane of existance. There are so many of us walking around or floating whatever we feel at the time” and I could hear her laughing. I told her I loved her and she answered “I know, though I know you hated me too and I’m sorry for that”. I asked her about my step-father and she said “He’s fine, happy, at peace and he’s so very sorry for what he’s done to you”. I told her that what I hated the most was the kids growing up not knowing her better and she said “They will, because you won’t let them forget. You’ll show them photos and talk about me. That is what I love most about you. You are so full of love and so giving”. I kept asking her if this was real or if my mind was playing tricks on me and she said “It is real baby”. I asked her if we’d talk again and she said “Always”. The tears were flowing heavily, but not out of sadness. I don’t know what to think.